Chasing Heathcliff by May Navarro

The sun hid in layers of gray clouds but Kate’s face still felt flushed. The grass felt thick under her seat, the soft green blades folding meekly at her bare feet. She adjusted herself under the tree on a small hill inside the memorial park. This was their place, Mario and her, this seemingly small mountain you can look out and view tombstones jutting out the grounds and take a peek of a pond with brackish water. A row of white and lilac flowers lined the small barrier on a walkway near the pond, out of place in this melancholy environment. She looked at her watch, it was almost six’o clock in the morning. He was late. She rummaged through her bag, feeling her way through the mess inside and took out a book of poems of Pablo Neruda she got from a secondhand bookstore. She ran her hand on through its yellowed pages stopping that urge to look at her watch again, a glance that would confirm the minutes were passing by like a whizzing train on the tracks, snatching away seconds they were together. The words of Neruda were not registering on her mind, only a blur of stanzas on this early morning. From the hill, she can see joggers on the bridgeway near the pond, snow-haired men in their shorts, running up the bridge huffing from exhaustion while eager young boys ran past them, boisterous and loud.

She strained to hear the sound of his scooter idling beside her car.  But he has not arrived yet. Mario has been distant lately and his reply about meeting here had been curt. She wondered what was wrong. Was he miffed again that he saw her having lunch in the cafeteria with Lance, her dapper officemate or that she hesitated to introduce him to her boss when he accompanied her in the lobby while the company driver got her car from the parking lot.

But didn't their eyes meet when he cleaned the windows in the lobby yesterday and she smiled regardless of who saw it or didn't flinch when he brushed his arms on the side of her leg when he took out the garbage from under her office table.Kate knew it would be complicated. But she didn't expect it to be this way. Daily life occurrences that seemed trivial were interpreted differently. An uptight glance could be interpreted as a snub or a slight hesitation could mean awkwardness to be seen with him. Because theirs was a different kind of fairy tale. it was odd and skewed because when did the princess loved a pauper? In fairy tales, the man always had a castle and rescued the poor damsel not the other way around.It was a fairy tale that started innocently. She was waiting in the lobby then for her friend Cara to catch up on her latest escapade in Boracay when he arrived.

“He’s late” Mario had said while wiping the glass wall in front of her. She was sitting on a small couch checking her messages on her phone.

“Excuse me?”she asked confused on this sudden intrusion.

“He’s late po, Mam” he said finally facing her. She had seen him, the new maintenance guy, walking around the building. He was dusky and had these dark, yet smiling eyes. His smile spread on his face, genuine and kind, lighting it up. He had this easy stance about him that he carried well.

“I’m waiting for a friend” she said.

“Ah..still, he is still late” he had said.

She smiled and her eyes met his.

It started there, almost every day somehow she found him there on the time she was waiting for her driver. They would talk about trivial stuff, his growing up years in the Visayas and his father’s fancy for duck pochero. She found herself looking forward to their short talks until he asked her for her number because he needed to consult her about something in his contract with his employment agency.His first text didn't mention anything about his contract but said that he enjoyed talking to her. When Kate received it, she smiled and wasn’t able to concentrate on the files mounted on her desk for almost an hour.

They've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now, secret meetings that nobody knew even her friends. Because what would she tell them, I’m dating the janitor in the office but don’t worry he really has nice eyes and a great physique. They would have been aghast. Kate, are you really that desperate? they would ask.

But still this morning she was worried. Mario seems to be avoiding her, much less talking to her. Was it because she didn't acknowledge him in front of her bosses the other day like he was a stranger? He ddidn'ttext her this week and she texted him instead and asked him to meet her here, an abrupt Okay was what she got.

The sun was rising, radiating pink and orange streaks in the clouds. He was late. She can still remember their first meeting on this hill. She felt like a school girl on a first date, dressed in black jogging pants and pink t-shirt. She was awkward and excited and he was there, waiting. sitting under a tree and smiling.  Mario radiated this strong, masculine appeal yet kind. She liked that the color of his skin was a startling contrast to her fair skin and cheeks that blushes easily.  Meeting his eyes had almost always unhinged her. It was as if those eyes have seen her and loved her before. However, this gentle side also seemed to attract other women too like the other secretaries which she hated.

The sun’s rays have begun to get stronger, slightly piercing at her skin, mottling it with pink. So she laid down on the cool grass on the side of the hill, looking up the sky. At that angle, the blue sky looked like a ceiling of clouds, encompassing her entire view leaving her in awe at this grandeur of nature. It made her forget about him for a moment then she suddenly remembered a line in Wuthering Heights. “I have not broken your heart, you have broken it, and in breaking it, you have broken mine”. He’s not coming, Kate told herself. She stood up, the damp dew in the grass staining at her jogging pants. She walked along the cobbled bricks on the way to her car.

The realization left a vast hollowness in her being. It replaced the usual longing she had for him, a longing that sometimes felt like a wound that throbs and stings with jealousy. A longing so palpable, she can’t concentrate on anything else.

She shielded her eyes from the intense rays of the sun and continued walking to the car. Had he finally accepted it? she thought. That we were different and cannot be together or should not be together? Has he? But how can I accept it? When being in his arms and his breath on my hair made me happy. Is it true about his affair with a new secretary who arrived in the office flaunting her curves, not a pretty face but saunters with enough confidence, you want to believe she was pretty. Is that true? She wanted to ask him. Was it easy to switch off love that easy? The new model has arrived and you are relegated to the back.

Then she heard the sound of a scooter stopping near her car. It was Mario. He took off his helmet and walked towards her.  She didn’t look at him and tried to walk past him. He quickly grabbed her arm.

“I’m sorry…” he said.

“You shouldn’t have to come…I was leaving anyway” she said then tugged her arm away from his hand.

He was silent.
She opened the car door and paused halfway.

“Is it true about her?” she asked, finally her chance to ask him.

He didn't utter a word.

“You shouldn’t have come… “she said again. “I would have understood, it was fun while it lasted anyway” she said and threw her bag inside.

“We’re not the same, you know that right?” he suddenly retorted.

“And you’re the same?” she shot back. “I know, Mario…..that’s why I have to leave”

“But still it’s different between us…it’s different” he protested.

She paused going inside the car again.

It was indeed different like their social status didn't matter when they are together. She wanted to feel elated but she felt like her chest was being squeezed slightly.

“But that’s not enough isn't it? There are still a lot of girls to discover.  Besides, she really is sexy”

“But what I feel for you is different.. you don’t know how hard this is for me, to be on this poor end…It is torture seeing you in the office and knowing I can never match what you have or be with you and not be judged…” he said.

“So it’s not enough then, what we have?” she asked.

“I don’t know.. I’m not sure” he said. His eyes dropped not meeting hers.

She was silent, her eyes darting to the dried roses on one of the tombstones.

“Let’s just forget it then, forget this, forget us so we can both go on with our lives” she said abruptly.

She closed car door, rummaged through her bag to find her keys and started the engine and sped away. The road was clear that morning with only a handful of jeepneys at the roadside. But Kate felt like she was driving on autopilot, like she wasn't there, only a shell of someone driving. She relied on instinct like she had an internal GPS navigating her way to one of her refuge. She turned off the ignition and sat inside the car. The mass was still going on. She felt relief. There were only two places she would go to think when things felt muddled, the church and a bookstore. Today this was her haven.

She distracted herself by watching families milling outside the church, toddlers being chased by harried mothers, young ladies chatting in their coral-colored skinny jeans. Everything felt the same, everything looked normal on the outside then why did it feel different for her. Like she wasn't the same person she was earlier, like she just witnessed a gruesome crime. Then she heard a knock on the glass. It was Mario, he followed her

She lowered the window. “What?” she asked with irritation but her heart began to beat fast.

“Can I come in?” he asked. His sad eyes reflected a brownish shade in the sun. She can smell cigarette from his breath.

She opened the door in the passenger seat. He sat down and looked across the church parking lot slowly being filled up.

“I’m sorry ” he said then turned and looked at her.

“I’m getting tired, Mario. I can’t have you locking me out if you feel like it.. It’s too much..Besides there’ll be other women and I don’t know if I can take that” she said.

“But they won’t be you…they won’t make me feel this way, I’m sure” he said.

Like what? she wanted to ask, like other people fade away in the background when I’m talking to you?

“I don’t want to be just one of your girls, Mario.”she said.

“I know. But I can’t offer you anything, Kate..I’m not rich..your folks and friends won’t accept me…maybe the saying was wrong maybe love doesn't conquer everything “

And the fairy tales were true, she wanted to say. The maiden only marries the prince not the pauper.

“Maybe you’re right, Mario, maybe love doesn't conquer everything” she replied and looked out, noting the brown leaves being tossed lightly by the wind in the sidewalk.

They turned silent, letting the chatter of the churchgoers fill the car.

“Yet, I’m still here…”, Mario said softly, looking at her.

She looked back, meeting the same eyes that always unhinged her. The same eyes that often reflected the same longing she had for him.

He took her hand and kissed it. She didn't pull away.

“You always make me feel like I’m something more…something better..” he said.

“You are.. Mario” she said, still looking at him.

“People won’t understand what we have, Kate…”

“I don’t care…let’s have this while we can…this thing what we have, maybe it would last, maybe it wouldn't but I know it doesn't happen often, let’s cherish it while we can..please” she said.

She wanted to say, let’s bask in it even if it feels like lightning that engulfed us and seared us without warning.

He took her in his arms. Kate leaned her head on his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart.

“I can’t stand you with Lance” Mario said.

“And I can’t stand you with her” she replied.

“She’s not you.. I ended it with her..It’s not the same, I kept seeing your face when I’m with her” he said.

She looked up and smiled, a burst of warmth expanded through her heart.

Heathcliff has finally come home.